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U-TERRUS (1⭐)
"Ordered Tibet, Got a Wish.com Body"
Yo Earthlings,
Am I tripping or there's been a big fucking glitch in the matrix here?
I heard about heaven on earth but what the hell? I was supposed to land in Full HD, 4K celestial vibes, the whole shebang. And now? Ever since I popped out of mamma's U-Terrus, I feel like a corrupted zip file that stopped loading at 75% cause the Wi-Fi crashed.
You know when you generate an image and the thing gives you an arm with seven fingers and a microwave head ? That’s how I feel. I’m here, but not really here. It ain’t even jetlag, I’m just straight-up lagging.
⚠️ The Scam ⚠️
Those bastards, I swear. "Come taste 3D love!" they said on the brochure. "Jacuzzis full of baddies, hike in Tibet with Sassy the homie, followed by a massive honey-shroom trip between two Himalayan ranges." My ass. In reality, it was written in fine print white on white font size 2 :
"Warning: High risk de se faire matrixer la gueule"
Instead of the oasis and the full-body tan, I’m stuck in a GMO vehicle that wants to sleep everywhere. Seriously, what is this body even? It’s full of E250, metals as heavy as my nuts and it stinks after 2 days. I try connecting to the Source you know, like back in the days when I was CONNECTED, but I just get a big fat "Error 404: Pineal Gland Calcified." each and every fucking time. No need to take any key, I'm already k-holed.
🧠The Diagnosis🧠
The doc, that genius, diagnosed me with ADHD. Bro, I’m not hyperactive, I’m just used to lightspeed. It’s your world that’s lagging its ass off.
For real though, SD cards came out like 10 years ago after those shitty cassettes and BLU-RAY discs, and you’re still struggling, having to grind a minimum wage just for 128GB? On god, I’m losing my shit. Hurry up with the quantum stuff so I can finally have some fun.
🧟 The Vibe 🧟
Can we talk about the vibe here fam ? It feels like people are aging when they smile. They’re under so much pressure, it’s Saturax Land to the max out here.
When you ask them to fart for a sec, it smells like shit because the food they serve us is rotting us from the inside out.
Actually, it’s so full of leeches here that I’m moving around in a decomposing vehicle. There has just no way to pilot this body smoothly. You’re straight dropped into Level 8000 with no armor for your balls, and bit by bit your breath starts stinking COVID. I mean how?
🧛 The Fuck? 🧛
Seriously, this whole thing is a creepy 80s movie. You got energy vampires on every street corner. Dudes smiling at you, but you can feel they just wanna drink your soul through a straw. You got Epstein-style files popping up like ads, and everyone keeps scrolling like we’re living in Treasure Island... or do we?
The whole thing is just infested with parasites, physical and mental, from the deepest depths of your ass to the furthest crevice of your brain. And as if that wasn’t enough, my head’s in a fog 24/7 like I smoked the harvest of the old lady across the street.
Speaking of the old lady. This chick thinks she’s slick with her flower pots on the porch, but Granny, bless your heart, your "geraniums" smell like Skunk from three miles away. You walk past her place, your eyes get red and you get a craving for sugar waffles, and she’s there explaining it’s for her herbal tea. Anyway, everyone’s acting, but the set is made of cardboard.
🛸 The Solution 🛸
One night, while I was on acid to communicate with the mandem on the other side of the fence, I figured something out. They didn’t send me here to tan, they dropped me in this swamp to actually fock the game !
And that's how I created OVNITEX® :
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OVNI : Because I’m a French UFO in this world of sleepers.
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TEX: Because I wear my energies like textiles.
As you know money is energy, and it turns out I need some to get the hell out of here. But when I create, I also create energy right? So, every piece I design is like printing my own money on a Shirty, ya dig? So it’s not just about cash, it's about aesthetic :
"My style is Ovnistic, my style is Ovni Tex-Style"
If you buy, you’ll wear the vibe too fam. So treat yourself, join the squad and be that neon UFO in this world of walking-dead NPCs. On my end, I guarantee TQJ* designs with a massive laugh. No filter, you can count on me for that.
Alright now, I’m going back to try and download the rest of my soul on 4G. It’s gonna take a while.
Kisses you Glitches. 💋✨